god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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