did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
