I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
