Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
