I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
