i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
