Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My life is pants optional.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
