the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
