i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
