Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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