Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
