and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
