Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
