Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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