the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
