I am spending my child support on dildos
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
