i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
