Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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