So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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