4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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