I am in a vortex of obligation.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
