Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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