My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
People in love make me want to vomit
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
