I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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