It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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