My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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