Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
