The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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