DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
