Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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