i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
