Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"