Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now