I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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