Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
