we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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