last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
