I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
