so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Operation Purity has been aborted
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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