Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Text me some of your sweat
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
