I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
