how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
