I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
