Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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