I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you win again, gameday.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
