I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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