An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
