bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
