Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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