dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
