Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just googled if crying burns calories
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
