I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
