she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
