i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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