What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
