I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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