besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
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you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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