and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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