she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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