More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
